Now, ever think about your innocent/better days? Are there days you think it WAS better?
That leads me to what made me write this entry. I think that I was a lot smarter when I was younger. I was focused, quick-witted, and considerate. Excuse me if this doesn't make sense, but I think I'm a lot dumber than I was when I was only a teenager. I used to get my homework done, make sure my little brother was fed, and I did things in order to make me a better person. But now I feel lost. It has come to mind that I may just be distracted- very distracted- with worldly things. And I think it's because I'm out of touch with my spiritual self. It's been a while since my spiritual being has been fed, and I think that's what's hungry. Recently, I've been dwelling on how much better of a person I can be, but I'm not taking any action. There's no motivation. I was sad for some time, but I really can't point out why I was sad. I was just sad. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I wasn't in the mood for anything, either.
A lot of times I catch myself thinking about where I am in life- how far I've made it thus far- and it's unbelievable. My spirit has gone through a lot of emotional pain, but I've endured it. I've persevered only to come out stronger and wiser. In my times in that dark tunnel, I have never been so focused on that light at the end of it...thinking of better days, and slowly moving towards it. It's harder to believe it's the people I hold dearest to my heart who have caused the most pain. I've had times where I felt I was drowning in my emotions and no one could save me from it. I've never prayed so hard. Prayed to God that my heart is not burdened with hatred and that I live to love another day. Time has definitely healed a lot, but I know I still have some repercussions from these events. God kept my sanity. I never believed what was said about me, because I believed what He made out for me. I made it from a ghetto infamous high school, through a community college, to a university where I can study what I'm passionate about- politics and law to help my loved ones in need.
Now today. I struggle with myself. I struggle with where I want to go, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. It's like my feet is cuffed to the ground, and I can't move anywhere. I feel so stagnant, and sometimes even powerless. I feel guilty because I'm away from home, missing out on family events, and watching my family grow. These are all necessary thoughts, but I need to keep moving. I gave it a lot of thought...maybe too much. I admit I'm a lot wiser than I was when I was younger, but on the flip side, I know I'm a lot more involved in the world than I ever was.
How can I absorb what I know now, and build upon it to make myself a smarter, dignifying young woman?
Part of me is scared. Scared of how the world will view me if I live my life full force! If I do exactly what I want to! This may even sound ridiculous, but at times I'm scared to show how smart I really am! I hold back on showing the world how deep I feel, how romantic I am, or how hard I love! I even slang my words to disguise my infatuation for intelligence! It's nothing to show off, of course. But it's also something you can't stay too modest about! *sighs*
I may not have a lot to say in person, but my mind is always rambling about how I interact daily. I absorb every life experience and make it a learning experience. Overall, I love the life I live! I thank God for my life, my health, and my family! I don't have answers to what I've written, but this is a part of the process...just laying it all out, and eventually putting the pieces together.
This song got me thinking and evaluating a LOT! But overall, it has reminded me to Thank GOD for my life!
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